It Was Over???

I've just realised that Valentine's Day has passed! Well so much has happened on Valentine's Day accept finding love. When I counted, the last time I went on a date was almost 5 years ago. I might be what you call the super single species. LOL

I have come to the point where I don't want to give up my independence but when I lay on the bed at night, I wish I have someone to cuddle with. Yes, I do feel lonely and that is not a big secret.

Last month I joined this dating website because it's free. I thought what the hell so I registered and posted my nicest smiling face on my profile. A day later I got quite a lot of winks and favouriteds and likes and later on I was notified by the website that I have received an email from someone who is interested in me. So I logged on to check out who sent that email and what did he say in that email. And guess what? I have to subscribe if I want to know who sent the email and to read that email. So I need to pay to find my future boyfriend. What a bummer!

So now I have like 10 unread emails on my profile. Fook it lah. I'm not gonna pay.

Well, if I can't find love and love can't find me for free, what can I do? I wonder if I will be alone until the day I die? Will I be sleeping alone for the rest of my life?

Suddenly I don't know what else to say...

Crush

I haven't had a crush since a verrryyyyyyyyyyyy long time. I meant a real crush, not the celebrity crush that I have on a daily basis.

Anyways, last night I attended a 25th anniversary dinner of a legal firm in a 5 star hotel in KL. One of the senior partners in this firm is very good looking. I first met him when I was still working with Crawford and that was back in year 2005. Last night he looked like he doesn't aged a bit. Still good looking and so delicious to look at. I have to admit that some notty thoughts came across my mind when I was oogling and drooling over him last night.

But being the nice girl that I am (ehem... ehem!), I did not take it that far. He is married anyway and I don't know how to flirt. LOL! Am I THAT naive???

Anyway, he was the talk between my colleagues and I for the whole night last night and until this morning. It's official that he is our current crush, but as you know, a crush is not really a serious feeling. So I guess when I see the next good looking guy today or tomorrow, I'll have a crush on him too! But I have to admit that it was fun having a crush. I mean, since it is not a serious feeling, you won't get broken hearted and you'll move on easily. It's that simple and clean!

Since we are on this subject, a few days ago a posted my Facebook status as "... maybe I should start considering dating younger guys...". Guess what? A lot of friends commented and they told me to just go for it. One of my friends even said, "Cougar is in!" What is actually a "cougar"? My so called research (i.e. googling and wikipedia) reveals that cougar is an animal from the large cats species. "Cougar" also refers to the term commonly applied to women who are thirty or older and pursue younger men. Since I am "thirty or older", I'll be a cougar if I pursue younger men. Is that cool?

My problem is that I find it difficult to fall in love with younger men (except celebrity of course!). I got a little bit put off the moment I realise that a guy is younger than me. I don't know why. But I think it is only my psychological reaction - feeling old, insecure, etc. But I have friends who married guys younger than them and have no problem in their relationships. So I guess it is not a bad idea after all. The only thing to do is to be mentally and psychologically prepared. After that, to be in my cougar mode and hunt for those delicious, sweet and unsuspecting younger guy. Muahahaha! I sound like a perv.

Okay enough already. Get back to work, Ms D!

Birthday Story

My birthday was on Jan, 19th. How many people you know who was born on the 19th day of the month?

That morning I woke up feeling alright... I got birthday wishes from my mum and Oni, but no birthday present though. Then at the office, I got a special birthday message from Jan, my bestfriend. Really sweet! I loved it so much!

During lunch hour, my boyfriend called and sang me the Happy Birthday Song. Really sweet but I'm a bit disappointed because he didn't say "I love you". I didn't say anything about it, though...

Weeks gone by, but until now I haven't properly celebrated my birthday with anyone. I have asked my boyfriend about it but he was too busy. He is still too busy.

Bukan nak mengungkit tapi setiap kali birthday dia, I would make it a point to go out with him to celebrate his birthday walaupun terlambat beberapa hari. So far, I have never failed to buy him his birthday presents. Tapi dia tak pernah belikan I birthday gifts. Last year was the worst... he forgot my birthday, tak ucap langsung happy birthday (walaupun I dah cakap kat dia) and langsung takde birthday gift.

Entah la... I tak tau what to say or what to think anymore. Dah setahun we haven't gone out for a proper date... I mean cuma jumpa 3,4 kali after work aje. Itu pun untuk 2,3 jam aje. Bila weekend, he is always not around. Bila I call, selalu tak angkat... Msg pun jarang nak reply... Kadang-kadang dia biarkan I terkontang-kanting sampai seminggu lebih without any contacts.

Kadang-kadang I terfikir kalau-kalau dia cuma main-mainkan I aje. I mean, he once told me that he could get a sexy model looking girlfriend... One of his ex-gf is a model... So, who am I to compete with these girls? I know I'm not good looking... and my brain is definitely not sexy to him because he never take what I say or think seriously... When I told him I got offered a new job without even looking for it, he only commented on the high salary I would be getting... No "congratulations" or "good job, baby!". I sent him the first draft of a few chapters of my new novel I am currently working on for his comments but until today, not a word from him. He never remembers about my doctor appointments. Kita pernah tengok movie sama-sama cuma sekali aje! Dulu dia kata nak bawa I pergi tengok plays or theatre, but so far he only managed to turn down all my requests to watch musicals/plays.

Masa mengurat I dulu, he wrote me poems and sent me song lyrics, tapi now dah tak ada langsung. Dulu-dulu he would chat with me everyday via sms tapi sekarang dah tak ada. Dulu-dulu he would sent me a kiss before he went to sleep, now dah tak ada.

I tak mintak dia belikan I hadiah mahal-mahal atau bawa I pergi makan ke restoran mewah atau tanggung I belanja shopping. I cuma nak dia jujur dan ikhlas... maksud I, kalau dia betul-betul sayang I then prove it... Sekarang macam mana I nak percaya yang dia memang betul-betul jujur dan ikhlas sayang I kalau dia tak bercakap dengan I, tak spend time dengan I, tak share things dengan I... Dulu dia pernah tuduh I berkelakuan macam orang yang tak pernah ada relationship... Dia bagitau kawan I yang I ni "clingy" (whatever that means... how can i be clingy if he is always not around?)... Tapi bagi I, apa yang I rasa sekarang ialah I cuma ada boyfriend aje tapi takde relationship...

I teringin nak kongsi dengan dia impian I and cita-cita I... and I nak dengar apa impian dia and cita-cita dia... I banyak cerita kat dia pasal family and kawan-kawan I... even about my cat! Tapi dia tak pernah nak cerita pasal family dia, kawan-kawan dia or kucing-kucing dia... Tiap-tiap kali jumpa doktor, I teringin nak cerita dekat dia pasal apa yg terjadi kat hospital... I cuma dapat cerita kat dia through email... and dia tak pernah balas... Tiap-tiap hari I cuba call dia sebab nak tanya khabar dia, because he is my boyfriend and I love him... tapi dia jarang nak angkat telephone... kadang-kadang sampai seminggu I try call dia tapi dia tak angkat. Alamat rumah dia pun I tak tau sebab kadang-kadang I teringin nak send kat dia cards yang cute2 tu...

Entah la... I feel left out. This is not the kind of relationship I imagine I would have. Dulu masa mula-mula kenal dia, I thought he's very sweet and caring. Now I don't know him anymore.

I cuba bersabar sekarang. Tapi sampai bila... and I pun tak tau I bersabar ni untuk apa sbb apa yang I nampak and rasa sekarang ialah, we are beginning to fall apart. Apa yg buat I sangat2 kecewa ialah I tak tau nak buat apa untuk selamatkam keadaan.

To tell you the truth, ada timenya yang bila dia sudi nak jawab masa I call, I rasa nak menangis bila dengar suara dia, sebab I miss him so much and I really wish with all my heart that he is feeling the same way too. I teringin nak bercakap dengan dia lama-lama, cerita kat dia apa yang terjadi kat I that day and pastu dengar dia pulak cerita apa yang jadi kat dia that day... Tapi tak dapat... Kalau malam, dia akan suruh I pergi tidur... kalau siang dia akan kata dia busy...

I terdengar hari tu satu talkshow dalam radio... topiknya ialah macam mana kita nak kesan sama ada pasangan kita tu curang atau tak... One of the tips given ialah bila pasangan kita tu malas nak jawab phone calls kita... Berderau darah I masa tu...

Entahlah... Tak adil kalau I tiba-tiba nak tuduh dia ada perempuan lain. Tapi at the same time, I tak dapat nak halang rasa ragu-ragu ni sebab kalau nak diikutkan, I bukannya kenal dia sangat... I tau dulu dia pernah nak mengurat kawan I sebab kawan I tu pernah cerita kat Jan and Jan cerita kat I balik. Tapi sekarang kawan I tu pun dah kawin. Dalam friendster dia pun lebih ramai perempuan, lelaki cuma 2,3 orang... Bila baca testimonial Jannah tu, lain macam aje bunyinya...

Kalau fikir banyak-banyak pasal ni, memang sedih... actually, almost every night menangis fikirkan pasal dia... most of the time menangis sebab rindukan dia. Kadang-kadang menangis sebab risaukan dia bila dia berhari-hari tak ada khabar berita.

I'm pathetic, am I?....

All Alone In Love

Have you guys ever been in a relationship and one day you woke feeling lonely like hell? Have you ever feel that you have someone but that someone is beyond you reach. Have you ever wish that you could turn back the timeand change the course of event so that you can prevent all the pain your are feeling at this moment.

This song from Mariah Carey describes what I am feeling now...

ALL ALONE IN LOVE

Swept me away
But now i'm lost in the dark
Set me on fire
But now i'm left with a spark
Alone, you got beyond the haze and
I'm lost inside the maze
I guess i'm all alone in love

I look into your eyes
You turn the other way
And now i realize
It's all a game you play
I hold you in the night
And wake to find you gone
You're running out of sight
It's so hard holding on
All alone in love

Swept me away
But now i'm lost in the dark
Set me on fire
But now i'm left with a spark
Alone, you got beyond the haze and
I'm lost inside the maze
I guess i'm all alone in love

You haunt me in your dreams
I'm calling out your name
I watch you fade away
Your love is not the same
I've figured out your style
To quickly drift apart
You held me for a while
Planned it from the start
All alone in love

Sitting in the dark without you
How am i supposed to make it
Through the night
Slowly fall apart without you
Cry away the hours
Till the morning light

Hometown Blues

I am back to my hometown after 3 months of starting my new career in KL, the big city. Of course my parents are happy to see their firstborn. My mom was saying, "You look healthy! You sure eat a lot in KL." Bummer! My younger brother and sister are also at home.

Actually, there is nothing "blues" about coming back to my hometown. It's just that, yesterday I went bowling with my officemates and "Still Got The Blues" by Gary Moore was playing in the air. I haven't heard that song for years!! It was one of my favourite songs when I was 13.

Used to be so easy to give my heart away

But I found out the hard way

There's a price you have to pay

I found out that love was no friend of mine

I should have known time

after time

So long, it was so long ago

But I've still got the blues for you

Used to be so easy to fall in love again

But I found out the hard way

It's a road that leads to pain

I found that love was more than just a game

You're playin' to win

But you lose just the same

So long, it was so long ago

But I've still got the blues for you

So many years since I've seen your face

Here in my heart, there's an empty space

Where you used to be

So long, it was so long ago

But I've still got the blues for you

Though the days come and go

There is one thing I know

I've still got the blues for you.

Reading through the lyrics, one can't help but think how love can be so cruel. Even the memories of a crushed love can make your heart hurting and bleeding like it happened only yesterday. Especially when your are reminscing the whole thing at the time when you are lonely and you are feeling the whole world is against you.

I had bad experience with love myself.

It happened last year. I don't want to do a story telling here but to cut the long story short, we broke off because he was a selfish two-timer and professional liar. He got married after 3 months we broke off. I was beyond devastated at first. But with the help of my friends, I got through the mess feeling stronger.

Honestly, I am truly over him. I already got me a new boyfriend. But there are times when I suddenly remember about my undeserving ex and can't help but think about the "what ifs" and "what nots". I am not talking about the possibility of going back to him since he is already married and he is such a bastard anyway... My point is, I still bear this anger and frustration over the break off which I have never the opportunity to tell him or confront him. I so love to spat to his face or break his arm. Clearly, I am still not in the forgiving mood.

Hahaha! I sound like a mad for revenge bitch! Actually, I am not. Like I said, it was a thinking I sometime had when I was lonely. Not that I always thought about my ex! Puhleaseeee!! I have lots of more important things to think about. But sometimes revenge can be so sweet.

Well, that's my kinda blues... Not really like Gary Moore's kinda "blues"... Hehehe!

Why don't you share your blues with me ?