Birthday Story

My birthday was on Jan, 19th. How many people you know who was born on the 19th day of the month?

That morning I woke up feeling alright... I got birthday wishes from my mum and Oni, but no birthday present though. Then at the office, I got a special birthday message from Jan, my bestfriend. Really sweet! I loved it so much!

During lunch hour, my boyfriend called and sang me the Happy Birthday Song. Really sweet but I'm a bit disappointed because he didn't say "I love you". I didn't say anything about it, though...

Weeks gone by, but until now I haven't properly celebrated my birthday with anyone. I have asked my boyfriend about it but he was too busy. He is still too busy.

Bukan nak mengungkit tapi setiap kali birthday dia, I would make it a point to go out with him to celebrate his birthday walaupun terlambat beberapa hari. So far, I have never failed to buy him his birthday presents. Tapi dia tak pernah belikan I birthday gifts. Last year was the worst... he forgot my birthday, tak ucap langsung happy birthday (walaupun I dah cakap kat dia) and langsung takde birthday gift.

Entah la... I tak tau what to say or what to think anymore. Dah setahun we haven't gone out for a proper date... I mean cuma jumpa 3,4 kali after work aje. Itu pun untuk 2,3 jam aje. Bila weekend, he is always not around. Bila I call, selalu tak angkat... Msg pun jarang nak reply... Kadang-kadang dia biarkan I terkontang-kanting sampai seminggu lebih without any contacts.

Kadang-kadang I terfikir kalau-kalau dia cuma main-mainkan I aje. I mean, he once told me that he could get a sexy model looking girlfriend... One of his ex-gf is a model... So, who am I to compete with these girls? I know I'm not good looking... and my brain is definitely not sexy to him because he never take what I say or think seriously... When I told him I got offered a new job without even looking for it, he only commented on the high salary I would be getting... No "congratulations" or "good job, baby!". I sent him the first draft of a few chapters of my new novel I am currently working on for his comments but until today, not a word from him. He never remembers about my doctor appointments. Kita pernah tengok movie sama-sama cuma sekali aje! Dulu dia kata nak bawa I pergi tengok plays or theatre, but so far he only managed to turn down all my requests to watch musicals/plays.

Masa mengurat I dulu, he wrote me poems and sent me song lyrics, tapi now dah tak ada langsung. Dulu-dulu he would chat with me everyday via sms tapi sekarang dah tak ada. Dulu-dulu he would sent me a kiss before he went to sleep, now dah tak ada.

I tak mintak dia belikan I hadiah mahal-mahal atau bawa I pergi makan ke restoran mewah atau tanggung I belanja shopping. I cuma nak dia jujur dan ikhlas... maksud I, kalau dia betul-betul sayang I then prove it... Sekarang macam mana I nak percaya yang dia memang betul-betul jujur dan ikhlas sayang I kalau dia tak bercakap dengan I, tak spend time dengan I, tak share things dengan I... Dulu dia pernah tuduh I berkelakuan macam orang yang tak pernah ada relationship... Dia bagitau kawan I yang I ni "clingy" (whatever that means... how can i be clingy if he is always not around?)... Tapi bagi I, apa yang I rasa sekarang ialah I cuma ada boyfriend aje tapi takde relationship...

I teringin nak kongsi dengan dia impian I and cita-cita I... and I nak dengar apa impian dia and cita-cita dia... I banyak cerita kat dia pasal family and kawan-kawan I... even about my cat! Tapi dia tak pernah nak cerita pasal family dia, kawan-kawan dia or kucing-kucing dia... Tiap-tiap kali jumpa doktor, I teringin nak cerita dekat dia pasal apa yg terjadi kat hospital... I cuma dapat cerita kat dia through email... and dia tak pernah balas... Tiap-tiap hari I cuba call dia sebab nak tanya khabar dia, because he is my boyfriend and I love him... tapi dia jarang nak angkat telephone... kadang-kadang sampai seminggu I try call dia tapi dia tak angkat. Alamat rumah dia pun I tak tau sebab kadang-kadang I teringin nak send kat dia cards yang cute2 tu...

Entah la... I feel left out. This is not the kind of relationship I imagine I would have. Dulu masa mula-mula kenal dia, I thought he's very sweet and caring. Now I don't know him anymore.

I cuba bersabar sekarang. Tapi sampai bila... and I pun tak tau I bersabar ni untuk apa sbb apa yang I nampak and rasa sekarang ialah, we are beginning to fall apart. Apa yg buat I sangat2 kecewa ialah I tak tau nak buat apa untuk selamatkam keadaan.

To tell you the truth, ada timenya yang bila dia sudi nak jawab masa I call, I rasa nak menangis bila dengar suara dia, sebab I miss him so much and I really wish with all my heart that he is feeling the same way too. I teringin nak bercakap dengan dia lama-lama, cerita kat dia apa yang terjadi kat I that day and pastu dengar dia pulak cerita apa yang jadi kat dia that day... Tapi tak dapat... Kalau malam, dia akan suruh I pergi tidur... kalau siang dia akan kata dia busy...

I terdengar hari tu satu talkshow dalam radio... topiknya ialah macam mana kita nak kesan sama ada pasangan kita tu curang atau tak... One of the tips given ialah bila pasangan kita tu malas nak jawab phone calls kita... Berderau darah I masa tu...

Entahlah... Tak adil kalau I tiba-tiba nak tuduh dia ada perempuan lain. Tapi at the same time, I tak dapat nak halang rasa ragu-ragu ni sebab kalau nak diikutkan, I bukannya kenal dia sangat... I tau dulu dia pernah nak mengurat kawan I sebab kawan I tu pernah cerita kat Jan and Jan cerita kat I balik. Tapi sekarang kawan I tu pun dah kawin. Dalam friendster dia pun lebih ramai perempuan, lelaki cuma 2,3 orang... Bila baca testimonial Jannah tu, lain macam aje bunyinya...

Kalau fikir banyak-banyak pasal ni, memang sedih... actually, almost every night menangis fikirkan pasal dia... most of the time menangis sebab rindukan dia. Kadang-kadang menangis sebab risaukan dia bila dia berhari-hari tak ada khabar berita.

I'm pathetic, am I?....