He blocked me and shut me out on my last day at work, 10 May. It was his immediate reaction to my text to him via Whatsapp after I saw his Facebook post and his replies to the comments there. I sent the text out of sadness and frustration. He hadn't seen me since December last year and had very rarely responded to my texts. He called once, but never answered my call. At the time I sent that last text, he hadn't talked or responded to me for weeks. I kinda expected such reactions from him. Maybe I was acting stupidly at that time. I probably have hurt him so deeply with my words. I was also hurting at that time. There's nothing I could do. It is loud and clear now that he doesn't want me to contact him anymore.
His birthday gift was still in its original box, sitting in the trunk of my car. My friend told me to sell it, or just use it myself. I just couldn't do it. I bought it for him. I wanted to give it to him. While he was not talking/responding to me, I found myself not having the strength to even look at that box. I think it represented the fact that I have no way to reach him or get close to him anymore. Hence, it remained in the trunk of my car.
I thought about going to his condo and either put the box on his car (I am quite certain as to where it is parked) or leave it outside his unit's door (but I'm not sure if I can get the correct one). But my biggest obstacle was probably getting through the guard house. So my friend suggested that I should just courier it to his office, since I had sent a cake to him before and it reached him.
So that's what I did, that was my final act. On 16 May I got the box couriered to his office. I wrapped the box nicely (I didn't open the box) and attached a card inside. I said I wanted to give it to him on his birthday but didn't get the chance and that it's his, sincerely from me.
I wanted to write more.
I wanted to tell him that I love him and always will, that I miss him and think of him everyday, that I wish he could allow me to help him go through whatever it is that he is going through right now.
But then again, what is the point.
He hates me. In my mind, the fact that he blocked me and shut me out without any thought, without hesitation and without a word... you only do that when you despise someone. Maybe to him, I had done him a grave wrong and deserve this treatment. Maybe he was really hurt with what I said. When I think about his promises to me, his kisses and warm hugs, his gentleness and kindness towards me, I do not know who is this person who now appears to be hating me fiercely.
Anyway, two weeks has passed since I couriered the box to him. It's a gift from my heart. I thought it was a very cool and useful gift for a triathlete boyfriend. It's Hylete Icon 6-in-1 backpack. I chose this because I remembered when I followed him home one night, he carried two separate backpacks for his training stuff. I thought this backpack will be perfect for him.
I was and still afraid that he would refuse to accept it and would return it to me. I want him to use it. Because even at this point (I know my friends think I am stupid for thinking like this) I feel he deserves it. He worked really hard for his sports and to improve his performance. And I always remember (and this was always my favourite part when we were together) how passionate he was when he talked about his sports and his trainings and that endurance sports help him go through his depression.
I read somewhere that after a break up you will go through five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think I am still in denial. Everyday I wish he would come back to me. I can honestly say that I don't care for any apology or excuses from him, I will take him back with open arms and love him with everything I've got. I will apologise for all the hurt I havr caused. I never intended any of it. I want to spend my life with him, no matter how hard it is going to be. I want to share his happiness, his grievances and give him the support he needs. I want to be someone who will be there for him no matter what, and someone he could rely on. I just need his love. That's all I need. I sound pathetic, I know. But honestly, this is how I feel right now. My heart doesn't seem to want to feel anything else and my brain... well it currently just goes along with what my heart says.
Deep down I know that it has already ended and he was the one who ended it. He, who asked for my heart and got to keep it, is also the one who crushed it and never gave it back to me. He planted for me the seed of hope and then he just let it dry and die. We could have work it out, but if he chose to give up and shut me out, what am I to do?
I am so so sad I couldn't even cry. I so want to cry writing this, but I don't know why I can't. Is this sorrow?
There is not a single day passed by without me not thinking about him. No words, no gesture seems to cure this pain at this point. Everything I see reminds me of him. When I drive my car, I remember all the scenes we shared together in it. When I sit in a restaurant - how he always wanted to sit next to me so that he could be near me. When I saw an Exora, his face would play in my eyes. When I watch my animes and read my mangas, I remember how good he is in Japanese language. I still smile when I think of him, but with sadness in my heart.
That three months we were together was like a lifetime for me. In that three months I invested all my love to him. And I always thought it was mutual. I couldn't wait to introduce him to my family and friends, and I so wanted to meet his family too, especially his kids.
Maybe now he thinks I am not suitable and not good enough for him and his kids. I know I am not perfect and has so many shortcomings, but I was willing to learn. I don't know.
Right now I hope he is well and healthy. I hope he is still doing his trainings and participating in his sports. I hope he gets along with his family and friends, especially his kids. I hope one day he will find someone who will love him like I do and more. I want him to find his happiness.
I will not forget this love. I will always remember it. I want to remember him at his best. I want to remember that last kiss he gave me on my forehead. I have already forgotten how his voice sounds like, but that's okay. I don't want to go through anger, bargaining and depression. I wish I could go straight to acceptance. I only want to remember the good in him.
I wish him well.
I will always love you, my darling Fariq.
This is probably my last post in this blog.
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