Is it because I have nothing to write about? Was I too busy with other things? I don't know. I guess, I just got lost and drifted away from this page.
For the past few weeks, I have this funny feeling in my chest. I didn't know if it's sadness or emptiness. But today I realised that what I actually feel is helplessness.
You see... This is about a guy.
I really like him. I hope I can be more than his friends. But the problem is, of course, my feelings for him is unrequited.
He has been in and out of my life for so many times. He had girlfriends and broken up. I was there... And still here... Just waiting and not doing anything. I am so afraid to face rejection. I know because he has friendzoned me a long time ago. I thought I have accepted it and I thought I have moved on. But now he is back and I realized that I still have feelings for him.
I have no confidence at all about confessing or even showing my feelings to him. He never showed that he cared, he always keeps a distance, I tried as much as I can to get to know him better but, yeah, he keeps his distance. I think after all these years, he may not even regard me as a good friend. God, I really want to cry right now.
And I never told anyone about this. I am just writing this because I really need to get this out of my chest. It hurts. You like someone but that someone doesn't have the same feeling as you.
I am already too old for this. Isn't this something that only high school girls feel? I'm 38 and struggling with emotions. What an embarassment...
Anyway, this part of my story has no ending. He is not meant for me and I just have to live with that. My reality is that I am 38, I have noone to love and noone who loves me back.
Yes, I know at least I still have my friends and family. But theirs are not the kind of love that can fill that one empty space in my heart.
Really helpless.
And hopeless.
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