Just Another Ramblings About Some Stuff...

Ramadhan came and went. In a blink of an eye, we have already passed the first week of Syawal. How time flies so fast when we are having fun!

I took a week off for Aidilfitri. But it was not a time to relax and laze around. I helped my mum to put on new sofa covers and put up fresh curtains for the windows. I also helped her, a little bit, with cooking. I’m not your kitchen goddess material in any event.

My mum cooked sambal kacang (grounded ground nuts with sugar, ginger and blended chillis… errrrr do not follow this recipe! I’m no kitchen goddess, remember! LOL), beef rendang and gulai ayam pencen (errr…. “retired” chicken in gravy made of coconut milk with blended spices… all I know is it’s so damn yummy!!). Unfortunately, due to some technical error by the cook (ehem… my mum!), the gulai became bad the next morning. My mum almost cried, but nothing can be done. At least we got to taste the yummy gulai ayam during dinner the night before Aidilfitri.

Except for the gulai ayam gone bad, 1^st Syawal went smoothly with no drama or whatnots. We had breakfast at my grandparents’ house and then off to Hulu Langat to my other grandmother’s house. We were back at Lot10 around 4.00 p.m. By that time my aunts, uncles and cousins are all at my grandparents’ house. It was off course tiring but fun all the same. My mum was already too tired to cook anything else for them so we ordered lots of Domino’s pizza which was a hit with everybody! Yokatta!

Our doll faced Persian, Tyson, is now 10 months old but he is already as big as his dad, Rocky. He is also getting naughtier and this always makes my parents worry. He has learned how to get out of the fence and sometimes spent a long time in the small bushes near our house. It’s about time for him to get him neutered. But nobody can deny that Tyson is the spoiled child in the family.

Here's my family photo taken on Aidilfitri morning! :)

I am still getting used with living alone. Sometimes at night I worry that some strangers might break in into my apartment when I’m asleep. I surely don’t know how I can defend myself if that ever happens. A few people suggested that I should find a housemate. I don’t mind if it is somebody I already know but living in the same house with a stranger – I’m not comfortable with that. Besides, 5 days a week I get home late from work, so I wouldn’t know what she does when I’m not at home. Besides, everything in this house is mine – there will be some territorial and possession issues. Well, I’d rather live alone.

Of course it’s lonely. That is unavoidable but I do my best to entertain myself when I’m home like watch dvds, read mangas,watch tv, read books (I’ve just finished John Irving’s The Cider House Rules and currently reading Ken Follet’s Pillars of the Earth), watch animes, play facebook games/online games. There’s actually a lot of things I can do for entertainment! At the moment I don’t really mind this loneliness because after a hectic day at work, I always come back to a quiet and peaceful home which is good for me.

Remember last time I used this skincare product called Dermadex? The product was really good but I stopped using it because it’s very difficult to get the supply, plus it is really expensive (RM35.00) for a very small tube.

Since Aidilfitri, my skin became very bad with breakouts; I think it’s caused by the fatty food I’ve been taking. So, I bought this product called Hada Labo Tamagohada Facial Cleanser with AHA/BHA. It’s a Japanese product and it’s available in all Guardian store. The product helps peeling the dried old skin from my face and I notice that it also reduces the oil on my T-zone. Because of the exfoliating ingredients in this product, you have to put on sunscreen after you wash your face with it in the morning. I also use the Hada Labo Super Hyaluronic Moisturizing Lotion. All you have to do is squeeze a little bit of the lotion on your palm, work it a bit and pat it all over your face. I am not too sure about this lotion though because I think it makes my skin break out. I will stop using this lotion starting tomorrow and see what happens in the next few days.

Apart from skin problem, I have gained a lot of weight since my operation 3 months ago. I am now 63kg, the heaviest I’ve ever been in my entire life! I have never weighed more than 60kg before. I have to start dieting and do my hula hoop exercise again!

Wish me luck!!

LONELY

I officially moved in to our new rented apartment in Puchong on 8.7.2011. I went back to work on 17.7.2011. Of course there was lots of things to catch up with. It's actually very tiring for me to drive back and forth between Puchong and Kuala Lumpur five times a week. But I have to endure it.

It is now Ramadhan. So far I have no problem fasting although some times I did get headaches in the evening, but I never skip fasting.

Last week Adik, my youngest sister who lived with me, was informed by her employer that she would be transferred to Kuantan. After an appeal, she is sent to Skudai instead, which is nearer to her big brother in Gelang Patah and her boyfriend in Mersing. She left last Friday. I'm still very sad for having to let her go. And today, it really hits me that I am now living alone and on my own.

It really is very lonely. There's nobody to talk to. Although the TV is loud and showing my favourite shows, the house still feels empty. I fell asleep around 2.00 p.m. and woke up at 4.30 p.m. today. Do you know how it feels like waking up alone?

I've been thinking about what will happen if I get sick when I'm alone in this house. It really scares me. What if one night I fall asleep and doesn't wake up. Will someone notice I'm missing? What will happen to my parents after I'm gone?

After the operation, I think I am becoming more accepting about my health condition. I wonder if I will live long enough to celebrate my 40th birthday. If I have provided enough for my parents if I'm gone? This sounds very negative and not optimistic. I think the loneliness really hits me.

Ok lets talk about happy stuff. My boss allowed my application for a week off to celebrate Hari Raya. Yeay! Adik will be engaged to her boyfriend on 25th Dec... insya Allah. And the wedding will most probably be next year. Another sibling will start her own family soon!

And there will be a possible trip to Phuket this year. Although it is actually for work, I still look forward to it! And I heard from the grapevines that the CEO has finally approved this year's company trip. Yeay!

At the very least, my live is still colourful right? And I still have friends whom I can rely upon. Alhamdulillah :)

Recovering...

For all of you good people out there, just wanna let you know that the operation went well.

I checked in at Gleneagles Hospital on 6.6.2011, had my operation on 7.6.2011 and was discharged on 11.6.2011. Dr Aziz removed the tumor as well as my right ovary. According to him, my right ovary was badly damaged by the tumor. The good thing is my left ovary is normal and functional.

I went for follow up check up with Dr Aziz on 18.6.2011. He told me the result of the biopsy on the tumor. Alhamdulillah... it's not cancerous! The scary thing was the tumor had hairs, it owm sweat gland and thyroid follicle! Sounds like another creature had been living in my body all this while! Dr Aziz gave me a copy of the picture of the tumor, unfortunately I don't have a scanner.

The stitches was removed on the same day and I am currently at Lot10... recovering. The wound is healing nicely but I don't know about the wound inside my body... which I hope is recovering nicely too. I have my first period yesterday after the op and oh my God yesterday was so painful! I've never had painful period pains and cramps before and yesterday was like hell to me. I had to lie down the whole day and the paind didn't go away even after I took the painkillers. Fortunately, the pain was only for one day. I am fine today. Phew!!!

The pain was because of the operation wound at the fallopian tube where Dr Aziz had removed my ovary. The contraction during menstrual caused pain in that area. I hope this is not something I have to suffer every month!!

So I am resting at Lot10, my parents home. Watching Korean DVDs with my mum, eating, reading, playing with Tyson, playing Cityville on Facebook... such bliss... I have yet to be bored with this routine yet. LOL.

Anyway, this whole circumstances makes me realise who my real friends are. I now know who are the people that really cares about me and who don't. And who thinks of me even though they can't be with me. I will cherish these friends forever for they are my real friends :) I vow that I will be there for them too, if not in person, in thoughts.... and I vow that I will appreciate them as long as I live :)

The Big Day is Almost Here...

I am finally admitted to Gleneagles today... they give me the single exec room. Thank God for that! At least some privacy for me and for my family and friends!

I was told by the nurses that my operation tomorrow will be after 12.30pm. Apperently Dr Aziz has other patients to operate on before me. So I have to wait for my turn. I will start fasting from 7 am tomorrow and the nurses will also make necessary preps on me before the operation.

My bestfriends - Jan, Aya, Liza and Laila all came visit me today. I'm so gald for that! Kept me from thinking about what will happen tomorrow. And my mum is keeping me company right now. So grateful for that too! My dad and sisters will also come again tomorrow.

Well... right now there's nothing else to say or do but to pray to God that all will turn out fine and well tomorrow and that operation will be smooth. Amin!

Wish me luck! :)

Counting Days...

The date is confirmed. I will be admitted at Gleneagles on 6.6.2011 and will go through the operation on 7.6.2011. If the tumor is cancerous, the doctor will remove my right ovary too. The bright side is my left ovary is still functioning.

Everyone around me does their hardest to make me stay positive. Jan has been saying yes to all of my requests so far. Going out with me, spending the time with me... I am very grateful to have such a wonderful and understanding friend. Yong lends her ears to me... well, she has been lending her ears to me since forever! I'm very glad that things have not changed between us after all these years.

In the office, everyone is very considerate. Suprisingly, my boss is the most considerate and understanding of them all! She gives me pep talk everyday so that I'll stay positive and helps me with my handover because I'll be away for maybe about two months for recovery after the operation. I feel kinda guilty because we are already short staffed and with I'm away... Well, at least we gotta know about this tumor thing when it is still stage 1 and I am not in pain or anything. Otherwise, the situation could be worst to everyone, not only me.

At home, I am still not talking to my sisters. Maybe I am being overly sensitive. Perhaps, I am being selfish and unfair... I don't know. All I know is that this time it is about me. If they cannot understand my feelings and maintain that I should understand them instead, then let them be. I already received my hugs and kisses from my mum and friends. That is enough for me.

About the operation, I am very very scared. What if I don't ever wake up after the operation? What if something goes wrong with the operation? What if the tumor is in fact cancerous? All these are playing in my mind. I know many women have gone through what I am going through and MOST of them turn out fine, but still... I can't help but worry if my other health conditions will effect the operation and my speedy recovery.

For the remaining days before the operation, I have to ensure that my blood pressure is under control. Tomorrow I have to go to Selayang Hospital to get my medicine since I cannot keep my appointment with the  nephrologist next month. I have to bring these medicine with me to Gleneagles. Then I have to prepare for the preadmission papers. I'm still waiting for the Guarantee Letters from the company. Oh, have I already mentioned that I have to do the hearing aid fitting for use at work? Yes, the CEO insists that I must use the hearing aid at work. Sigh....

I am bringing this laptop to Gleneagles... but I'm not sure if my condition after the operation will permit me using this laptop in the ward.

Til then....

Just Another Rambling... Perhaps?

I don't know how to begin this.

I haven't even updated this space for such a long time. Many things happened, is happening and will be happenning. My life is such a mess at the moment. If my life is a movie, there's so much dramas in it. But thank God I am still in one piece.

I have a tumour at my right ovary, just near the bladder and it might be cancerous. The doctor has confirmed that I need urgent surgery to remove it.

No, this is not a joke. It's not a movie either. This is my reality, dear reader.
I'm trying to stay positive and be brave.

Well, many women experienced this sort of thing and they all turn out fine. I'll be alright too right?

By the way, a few weeks before I found out about the tumour, I went to the ENT specialist and he confirmed my hearing loss. Luckily, I don't really need any hearing aid.

In the meantime, my Hepatitis B and nephrotic syndrome are not cured yet.

Really... I am trying very very hard to cope with all these...
I can't even explain to you what's going on in my head and in my mind.
I told my sisters about my condition tonight. Very calm reaction and one of them changed the subject after not even 5 minutes of discussion. How am I supposed to feel inside? And then she apologised... Via bbm... How cool is that? She said both of them are actually sad but they don't want to show it to me for fear that I'll be upset. She said she hopes I understand. She asked me to understand :( Why can't she try to understand me instead? Is it so hard to share my sadness and my tears? If we can laugh together, can't we cry together too!

I'm not sure if right now I'm being selfish, or if I'm just too sad about all this. Honestly speaking I'm just a total mess.
I can't sleep right now. I can't go out either. It's too late in the night. My head really hurts and my eyes keep leaking water. Am I crying? What for? This is just a trivial thing right? This is going to end up with joy and happiness right? I'll be okay in the end right?

I hope tomorrow will be better for me... Owh... It's already tomorrow...

Long Time, No See

I've just realised that my last post was in October 2010! I haven't even greeted everyone with Happy New Year! Sumimasen!!!!

Honestly, so many things have happened... and as usual so little time to spent for myself.

My sister got married in November last year. The wedding was grand, so beautiful!!! And I am so proud to be a part of the behind the scene people. To me, it's like a wedding dream come true! I wish I could have a wedding as grand and as beautiful as my sister's one day!

My cousin got married last month. Well, there's a story behind the wedding but I don't think I'm in the mood to write about it. Actually, it will be a waste of my energy and time to write about it.

Ohhh!!! I almost forgot the most exciting news! Our little family has extended. We now have Tyson, a persian kitten I bought from my aunt. He is now almost 5 months old and he is already bigger than Coko if Coko is still alive! Tyson currently lives with my parents. They dots on him, pamper him and spoil him to the max! But that's okay because Tyson deserves every drop of love we have in our hearts! Lol! He is so well mannered and so playful at the same time.

Work? Well, let's just say that I no longer enjoy going to work every morning and at work, I always can't wait to go home. That's the sign that I should quit the job and find a new one, right? It's my plan for this year. To leave the company and find a new job. I need a new challenge, a fresh breathe of air! I am bored doing claims!!!

I am also thinking whether I should brush up my writing skill and live as an author full time? Pffttt!!! Author??? I don't even have a short story published anywhere!!! Lol! Maybe I should start by posting my short stories here. That reminds me of my online "novel" Hujan Pagi. What the hell happened to it? Sigh!!! I just don't have the time to do some serious story writing... but my head is so full of story ideas!! All I need to do is put them into paper in a readable format.

The problem is when can I find the time to do it? I know that I can start here... Sigh!!!

I'll give it some more thought.