Valentine Sucks!!!

So, how's you Valentine's Day going?
Mine sucks big time!!! My bf is MIA... Not a single word from him since last week.
I don't know... I can no longer pretend that this relationship is going anywhere at all... My situation right now is exactly like when I had no boyfriend.
Let's find a song that suits this situation...

It Must Have Been Love

Words&Music by Per Gessle
Published by Jimmy Fun Music

Lay a whisper on my pillow,
leave the winter on the ground.
I wake up lonely,
there's air of silence in the bedroom and all around.

Touch me now,I close my eyes and dream away.

It must have been love but it's over now.
It must have been good but I lost it somehow.
It must have been love but it's over now.
From the moment we touched 'til the time had run out.

Make-believing we're together,
that I'm sheltered by your heart.
But in and outside I've turned to water
like a teardrop in your palm.

And it's a hard winter's day, I dream away.

It must have been love
but it's over now,
it was all that I wanted,
now I'm living without.
It must have been love
but it's over now,
it's where the water flows,
it's where the wind blows.

NEW LIFE... Refreshing?

Today is my third in the new company. This morning I went to RHB Bank KL
main branch at Jalan Tun Razak to open a new saving account. The company
will deposit my salary directly to my RHB account.

Anyways, I'm here to tell you about my new job. Well... since the files are
still with my old company and the new company has yet to obtain the approval
from the Central Bank, we cannot start operation. In other words, I'm dead
bored over here! Argghhh!!!

Luckily I have internet access over here so I can check my blog site and
friendster page regularly. I have new office email now but the sad thing is
that they put it as dang@jltasia..... Sounds like a bummer to me... I would
rather they put my full name for my email address. But anyways, this is a
temporary email only. When the new company is finally set up, the IT
department will create a new email for me, bearing the new company's name.

So... what's the new office like? Not bad, I tell you. The people are
friendly... but at the moment there's a distance between me and the rest of
the Malay executives. Probably because they are at the other side of the
office and not in the same department as myself. Besides, most of them are
either married or over 30s, which are quite out of my league... eheheheh!
But I know they are nice people...

I'm lucky because my new colleagues are also very friendly. Like Shyam, Guna
and Ratna, I have known them already since when I was with Crawford. And the
new gal (not a young gal mind u...), Chelvi, is also very nice and
friendly... I feel comfortable working with her...

So, I hope everything would be great for me here. Can wait to start all the
actions!

Birthday Story

My birthday was on Jan, 19th. How many people you know who was born on the 19th day of the month?

That morning I woke up feeling alright... I got birthday wishes from my mum and Oni, but no birthday present though. Then at the office, I got a special birthday message from Jan, my bestfriend. Really sweet! I loved it so much!

During lunch hour, my boyfriend called and sang me the Happy Birthday Song. Really sweet but I'm a bit disappointed because he didn't say "I love you". I didn't say anything about it, though...

Weeks gone by, but until now I haven't properly celebrated my birthday with anyone. I have asked my boyfriend about it but he was too busy. He is still too busy.

Bukan nak mengungkit tapi setiap kali birthday dia, I would make it a point to go out with him to celebrate his birthday walaupun terlambat beberapa hari. So far, I have never failed to buy him his birthday presents. Tapi dia tak pernah belikan I birthday gifts. Last year was the worst... he forgot my birthday, tak ucap langsung happy birthday (walaupun I dah cakap kat dia) and langsung takde birthday gift.

Entah la... I tak tau what to say or what to think anymore. Dah setahun we haven't gone out for a proper date... I mean cuma jumpa 3,4 kali after work aje. Itu pun untuk 2,3 jam aje. Bila weekend, he is always not around. Bila I call, selalu tak angkat... Msg pun jarang nak reply... Kadang-kadang dia biarkan I terkontang-kanting sampai seminggu lebih without any contacts.

Kadang-kadang I terfikir kalau-kalau dia cuma main-mainkan I aje. I mean, he once told me that he could get a sexy model looking girlfriend... One of his ex-gf is a model... So, who am I to compete with these girls? I know I'm not good looking... and my brain is definitely not sexy to him because he never take what I say or think seriously... When I told him I got offered a new job without even looking for it, he only commented on the high salary I would be getting... No "congratulations" or "good job, baby!". I sent him the first draft of a few chapters of my new novel I am currently working on for his comments but until today, not a word from him. He never remembers about my doctor appointments. Kita pernah tengok movie sama-sama cuma sekali aje! Dulu dia kata nak bawa I pergi tengok plays or theatre, but so far he only managed to turn down all my requests to watch musicals/plays.

Masa mengurat I dulu, he wrote me poems and sent me song lyrics, tapi now dah tak ada langsung. Dulu-dulu he would chat with me everyday via sms tapi sekarang dah tak ada. Dulu-dulu he would sent me a kiss before he went to sleep, now dah tak ada.

I tak mintak dia belikan I hadiah mahal-mahal atau bawa I pergi makan ke restoran mewah atau tanggung I belanja shopping. I cuma nak dia jujur dan ikhlas... maksud I, kalau dia betul-betul sayang I then prove it... Sekarang macam mana I nak percaya yang dia memang betul-betul jujur dan ikhlas sayang I kalau dia tak bercakap dengan I, tak spend time dengan I, tak share things dengan I... Dulu dia pernah tuduh I berkelakuan macam orang yang tak pernah ada relationship... Dia bagitau kawan I yang I ni "clingy" (whatever that means... how can i be clingy if he is always not around?)... Tapi bagi I, apa yang I rasa sekarang ialah I cuma ada boyfriend aje tapi takde relationship...

I teringin nak kongsi dengan dia impian I and cita-cita I... and I nak dengar apa impian dia and cita-cita dia... I banyak cerita kat dia pasal family and kawan-kawan I... even about my cat! Tapi dia tak pernah nak cerita pasal family dia, kawan-kawan dia or kucing-kucing dia... Tiap-tiap kali jumpa doktor, I teringin nak cerita dekat dia pasal apa yg terjadi kat hospital... I cuma dapat cerita kat dia through email... and dia tak pernah balas... Tiap-tiap hari I cuba call dia sebab nak tanya khabar dia, because he is my boyfriend and I love him... tapi dia jarang nak angkat telephone... kadang-kadang sampai seminggu I try call dia tapi dia tak angkat. Alamat rumah dia pun I tak tau sebab kadang-kadang I teringin nak send kat dia cards yang cute2 tu...

Entah la... I feel left out. This is not the kind of relationship I imagine I would have. Dulu masa mula-mula kenal dia, I thought he's very sweet and caring. Now I don't know him anymore.

I cuba bersabar sekarang. Tapi sampai bila... and I pun tak tau I bersabar ni untuk apa sbb apa yang I nampak and rasa sekarang ialah, we are beginning to fall apart. Apa yg buat I sangat2 kecewa ialah I tak tau nak buat apa untuk selamatkam keadaan.

To tell you the truth, ada timenya yang bila dia sudi nak jawab masa I call, I rasa nak menangis bila dengar suara dia, sebab I miss him so much and I really wish with all my heart that he is feeling the same way too. I teringin nak bercakap dengan dia lama-lama, cerita kat dia apa yang terjadi kat I that day and pastu dengar dia pulak cerita apa yang jadi kat dia that day... Tapi tak dapat... Kalau malam, dia akan suruh I pergi tidur... kalau siang dia akan kata dia busy...

I terdengar hari tu satu talkshow dalam radio... topiknya ialah macam mana kita nak kesan sama ada pasangan kita tu curang atau tak... One of the tips given ialah bila pasangan kita tu malas nak jawab phone calls kita... Berderau darah I masa tu...

Entahlah... Tak adil kalau I tiba-tiba nak tuduh dia ada perempuan lain. Tapi at the same time, I tak dapat nak halang rasa ragu-ragu ni sebab kalau nak diikutkan, I bukannya kenal dia sangat... I tau dulu dia pernah nak mengurat kawan I sebab kawan I tu pernah cerita kat Jan and Jan cerita kat I balik. Tapi sekarang kawan I tu pun dah kawin. Dalam friendster dia pun lebih ramai perempuan, lelaki cuma 2,3 orang... Bila baca testimonial Jannah tu, lain macam aje bunyinya...

Kalau fikir banyak-banyak pasal ni, memang sedih... actually, almost every night menangis fikirkan pasal dia... most of the time menangis sebab rindukan dia. Kadang-kadang menangis sebab risaukan dia bila dia berhari-hari tak ada khabar berita.

I'm pathetic, am I?....

All Alone In Love

Have you guys ever been in a relationship and one day you woke feeling lonely like hell? Have you ever feel that you have someone but that someone is beyond you reach. Have you ever wish that you could turn back the timeand change the course of event so that you can prevent all the pain your are feeling at this moment.

This song from Mariah Carey describes what I am feeling now...

ALL ALONE IN LOVE

Swept me away
But now i'm lost in the dark
Set me on fire
But now i'm left with a spark
Alone, you got beyond the haze and
I'm lost inside the maze
I guess i'm all alone in love

I look into your eyes
You turn the other way
And now i realize
It's all a game you play
I hold you in the night
And wake to find you gone
You're running out of sight
It's so hard holding on
All alone in love

Swept me away
But now i'm lost in the dark
Set me on fire
But now i'm left with a spark
Alone, you got beyond the haze and
I'm lost inside the maze
I guess i'm all alone in love

You haunt me in your dreams
I'm calling out your name
I watch you fade away
Your love is not the same
I've figured out your style
To quickly drift apart
You held me for a while
Planned it from the start
All alone in love

Sitting in the dark without you
How am i supposed to make it
Through the night
Slowly fall apart without you
Cry away the hours
Till the morning light

MY LAST DAY WITH THE SUPERMODEL

Today is my last day with Crawford... not the supermodel (i'm sorry! The
title is obviously misleading!). And this last week is surely chaotic for
me! Makes me want to cry just to think about it...

As at this moment, I don't feel sad for leaving Crawford... but I am
feeling sad for leaving my kind and helpful colleagues behind... especially
the ones who are in my department... my manager, our secretary... they have
been very kind towards me...

They gave me a wonderful farewell lunch on Wednesday at Kenny Rogers,
Kotaraya.... yummy! My favourite American style dishes.

Even though I am the one who is leaving, I also want to wish them all the best
for their future...

Thanks Rani, Pat, John and En. Manaf. Also thanks to Lyana for making my
last days in Crawford a bit more easier...

On Cloud 9

I went to the pantry just now, to make some coffee. It was 5 pm... my
coffee break time.

When I was stirring my coffee, the unit head of the CMS department passed
by. She stopped the moment she saw me and she smiled at me. Well, actually
during my tenure in this company, I only talk to this unit head maybe less
than 10 times. Most of the time, we just smiled at each other.

But today she stopped and talked to me... actually congratulated me. At
first, I was confused... I mean why would she congrulating me when I am
about to leave the company in a couple of weeks time? Then she said, she is
not congratulating me because I am leaving, but because she has heard about
me getting a good job offer from one of the best companies in the insurance
industry. She told me that this means my good works are recognised by the
people and if I work harder, I can go much further.

I thanked her for her good words.

And yesterday, our new GM also had a chat with me. Actually he was trying
to get me to reconsider my decision of leaving the company. Well, I told
him that the offer I get from the new company is very generous... besides I
get to do works I am doing at the moment which I love so much. I also told
him that at this stage, it would be unfair for the new company if I tell
them now that I wanted to back off because they have already made
arrangements for me to come to work with them next month. So, in the end,
the GM told me that if I have made my decision, then he cannot do anything.
But he impressed upon me that I would always welcome to join the company
again.

It is such a great feeling when people appreciate your good works and
recognise your talent. I feel so proud of myself and I hope my family and
friends are proud of me too! I worked hard to obtained my degree and I
passed as 2nd class upper, which is a great achievement because only 10
classmates (including myself) got that far and nobody got 1st class. Then,
when I was doing my chambering, I was diagnosed with Hepatitis B and
Nephrotic Syndrome. It was hard enough for me mentally and emotionally... I
was in and out of hospital for so many times, but yet, I still managed to
complete chambering.

I started my career as a practicing lawyer in my hometown, Melaka. I was
paid only RM1,500.00 per month on my first year on the job... it was
horrible! Imagine, my friends who work in KL were getting at least
RM2,000.00 per month and I was one of the 10 people with 2nd class upper.
On my second year, I got an increased of only RM200.00, which was much too
low than the amount of works I was handling. But all the while I was told
by my boss that I was doing a great job and she is very lucky to have me.

I told my mum that if this is what I am getting after working so hard at
the university to get a degree, then I don't want to do it anymore. After that, I started looking for new jobs via the Internet. After a week looking, I got a phone call for an interview in
Kuala Lumpur. The rest is what they say... history...

I have met a lot of people during the course of my work... either as a
lawyer or as a claims administrator. Some of these people (who work with me
as my colleagues), some of them I just cannot understand. They constantly
whining about how low they are paid, how so many works they have to handle,
how their bosses always scolded them... but none of them give any ideas of
how to improve their job performance, how to reduce/avoid/rectify
mistakes... and their attitudes towards work make their bosses get more
angry towards them by the day... some even think that they are smarter than
the bosses! But still they don't realize that they are actually their own
problems... all they can see is that either they are not paid enough or too
much work are handed to them... nobody actually paid any attention to the
quality of works they delivered...

What I mean is that you cannot get anywhere if you don't have a positive
attitude towards your job. To me, job satisfaction is not only to get the
work done, but also to get a positive recognition of the work that you have
done. Only by this recognition then you can get all the good things on your
way. But you must always keep in mind that patience and hard work are the
keys to success. Some people may have to work for only a year or two before
they are recognised, and some people may take more than that before other
people see their values. But still, everything involves hard work and
determination. If you want to get there, you will get there... or shall I
say, no pain no gain!

I am very excited to start my new job next month. I can feel that new
challenges are waiting for me but I also feel that I am ready for it. I
wish I can share this excitement with someone but so far, nobody seems to
care... Never mind... At least I know that things are going positively for
me. I am wishing me the best!

Getting Old or Getting Odd?

I am having a headache at the moment. I think it's due to excessive
workload and pressure, and my foul mood because today is Monday. Arghhhh! I
hate Mondays!!!

I don't know how long I can deal with this. I have never had this kind of
headache in my entire life. Does this mean I'm getting old? I remember last
week I met my boyfriend at Berjaya Times Square. I wanted to give him the
chocolates and other souvenirs I bought for him in Langkawi. We spent about
two hours together because he has to rush off to a dinner party.

Anyways, whilst browsing some books at Borders (Yup! The most romantic
place to have a date...), he asked me to look at his moustache and pointed
at the single white hair among the black ones. Then he told me that he has
some more at the sides of his head. Yikes! He is getting older! What would
he be this year? 31? 32? Oh yeah..... 31... early 30s... no sweat... For
men, life begins at 40... For women, life begins at puberty.... eheheheheh!

By the way, I have just realized that I am developing this weird habit
since I knew my boyfriend. You see, we are of the same height... sort of...
and as you can see from his picture below, he has the moustache...
sometimes he wears a goatee... Do you know whom he reminds me of the first
time I met him? Not Humpty Dumpty ok... (Sorry, abang! ;p)

Anyone of you ever read Agatha Christie's detective novels? Who is one of
the most famous fiction detectives in the world? Hercule Poirot... Yup, the
first thing that popped into my mind the first time I met my boyfriend was
Hercule Poirot. Except that my boyfriend is not what you call a dandy, and
his head is the normal round shape... not egg-shaped...

And until today, everytime I miss him, I would grabbed an Hercule Poirot
mystery novel and read it. Don't you find that odd? And everytime a short
bespactacled man passes me, I would either smile widely or start giggling..
because they remind me of him and the memories of him lightens my heart...
What else reminds me of him?... Grey Kelisa... nasi ayam... KLCC...
Kinokuniya... hotdogs... I-pod... and wardrobes....

The other day he complained that I would put on a sour face everytime I saw
him. Actually, I wanted to explain to him that I put on the sour face
because I want to surpress my laughter... I have this urge to laugh or
giggle everytime I saw him. Odd, isn't it? Not because he's a clown or
anything... Nor was he doing anything funny... I don't even know how to
explain it to myself, so how can I explain it to him without getting his
tender heart hurt? So, my solution is to put on a sour face until the urge
to laugh has subsided. That's why I dedicated the song "My Funny Valentine"
to him...

Ok... enough about my boyfriend!

I tendered my resignation last Friday. My boss was a bit upset because I'm
jumping over to the enemies side, so to speak. But she handled it
perfectly, I think due to my frankness and honesty in this matter. I mean,
I was not trying to hide from her where I'm going. Ok... Ok... The truth
is... I was not trying to be honest to her ;p... I wanted to tell her that
I am going to this company which has extended a generous offer to me and
that's it... But, the moment I saw her face, suddenly I was incapable of
lying.. It's not that I never lied in my entire life... Of course I have...
white lies mostly... The thing is, I was caught in a situation where I
cannot lie... You get what I mean? So I ended up telling my boss that I got
an irresistable offer from the enemy and after due consideration, decided
to accept it. So, I've said it... there's no time to regret it...

Do I feel relieved after tendering my resignation? Not really... I would
definitely feel relieved after I am settled at the new office. I'm sure the
environment would be different and the workloads would be crazier! But at
least I'll be doing something I like...

So, today, I am really not in the mood on getting any jobs done... Not
because I know I am leaving this place... It's because since early last
month, I have to take over the files from my colleague who has been demoted
to a different department. My bosses don't like him because he's slow, does
not follow instructions and always in the defensive mode. When I took over
his files, I suddenly understand why they hate him... That explains the
headache I am having right now. I wish I could just throw his files into
the fire or something!

Somebody saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Welcome, 2006!!

The year 2006 has arrived! Bye bye, 2005!!

Well, what more can I say? Another year has gone by and 19 days from today, I'll be 29! Yikes! Is it true that number means nothing as long as you are happy and you know where you are going? Do you remember the lyrics to the Happy Birthday song by New Kids On The Block? "Age is just a number... don't you stop having fun..." Bah! Age is definitely NOT just a number especially when you are 29 and unmarried!!

I'd rather not explore on that subject or else, I'll end up feeling depressed and insecure...

Let's just talk about the good things.

The good thing is that I have just confirmed with this company that I am accepting their job offer and if things run as planned, I'll be joining this company by February 2006. They have offered me a very generous offer (I'll get a raise and a few allowances which I don't get from my current employer) and I am also hoping that this is going to be my stepping stone to jump up to another level. Yeay!!! So, let's just hope that everything will materialised and runs well.

I also hope that this year will be the beginning of other good things to happen/come to me. One of my wishes is that my boyfriend will spend more time with me and that our relationship will get stronger and deeper. I also hope he will make some effort to get to know me better (he never asked me what my favourite colour is, or my favourite food, movies, books and so on...). It's great to have a boyfriend but at the moment, I am not sure whether he is serious about me. Most of his actions seems to indicate otherwise. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't like to be with me or around me... that's why he doesn't spend much time with me or even have a date with me. We don't even talk as much as a real couple supposed to do. If we are not in love with each other, I don't even think we can pass as friends... more like acquaintences... There are so many things missing in our relationship... he doesn't want to share things with me... or even to trust me... He never told me about his friends or his job... He told me a little bit about his family but not enough to really know them... I would be very honoured and would have so much pleasure to hear him tell me and share with me about his dreams, his anxiety, his hopes... or even his problems at work, or problems with his friends and family... or just an everyday story of what he has been doing that day, who he met, or whether his meeting with a client succeeded... Sadly, I don't even know what are his resolutions for this year. And, as expected, he doesn't ask what mine are. That's why this is at the top of my wish list... To have a REAL relationship.