Christmas Blues

I woke up this morning feeling sad and blue.

I want to cry and I want to shout. But all these mixed feelings I have are locked inside my heart, they couldn't get out, making my body so weak and tired.

I have once had this feeling before. A very cruel and torturous feeling. Especially when you don't have anyone to confide in. I mean, in my case, I don't want to. I feel embarrassed to tell anyone that I am, yet again, failed in love and relationship. I can't even tell my bestfriend about it. And writing in this blog is the only way I can pour out my thoughts b'coz I know and I am sure, no one would come and surf this page. At least not anyone I know.

Is there a way to describe my feelings now? I don't think so. The contents in my heart are so tangled and jumbled up, I don't even know where is the beginning and where is the end. All I know is they have left me feeling so so sad... No, sad is not the word... I'm almost grieving... devastated and frustrated...

I am so dying to have this relationship work out. I thought I have found me a guy who can love me, appreciate me and respect. And I thought I have found me a guy whom I can love, respect and appreciate. But it's seems like, I'm the only one left feeling this way.

He has gone away now. With no explanation.

Can you imagine what I'm feeling right now? Not knowing what I have done wrong to deserve this... But I guess I must have done something terrible to him (without me realising it).

I don't know what to think anymore...

Let me tell you the truth. We have been together for more than a year now. But I don't even know his house address or his house phone number. I don't know his friends... not even their names. We met once every few months... for about 2,3 hours after work. The only movie we went to together is Spiderman 2 which was last year, during our first date. I'm so pathetic, am I? You might want to ask me how could I let myself fell in love with a guy who doesn't let me be part of his life, right? Well, my answer is... I don't know. All I know is I fell in love with him because he is him. I'm sorry I cannot come out with a better explanation.

And until today I still love him the way I have always loved him. That's why this is all very hurtful to me. Yes, somebody has told me before that the person who can hurt you the most is the one you really love. I guess this is what really happening to me.

What I really want right now is him coming back to me... but what is the point if he doesn't love me, right? Because love is about two people having mutual feelings towards each other... it's about giving and sharing.

Early in the morning i put breakfast at your table
And make sure that your coffee has it's sugar and cream
Your eggs are over easy, your toast done lightly
All that's missing is your morning kiss that used to greet me
Now you say your juice is sour, it used to be so sweet
And i can't help but to wonder if you're talking about me
We don't talk the way we used to talk, it's hurting me so deep
I got my pride, i will not cry
But it's making me weak

I'm not your superwoman
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
And think that everythings ok
Boy i am only human
This girl needs more than occasional
Hugs as a token of love from you to me

I fought my way through the rush hour trying to make it home just for you
I want to make sure that your dinner will be waiting for you
But when you get there you just tell me you're not hungry at all
You said you'd rather read the paper and you don't want to talk
You're like to think that i'm just crazy when i say that you've changed
I'm convinced i know the problem, you don't love me the same
You're just going through the motions and you're not being fair
I got my pride, i will not cry
Still i can't help but care

Ooh baby, look into the corner of your mind
I'll always be there for you through good and bad times
But i can't be that superwoman that you want me to be
I give my everlasting love if you return love to me

If you feel it in your heart and you understand me stop right where you are,
everybody sing along with me
I'm the kind of girl that can treat you so sweet
But you got to realize that you've got to be sweeter to me
I need love, i need trust, your love