Counting Days...

The date is confirmed. I will be admitted at Gleneagles on 6.6.2011 and will go through the operation on 7.6.2011. If the tumor is cancerous, the doctor will remove my right ovary too. The bright side is my left ovary is still functioning.

Everyone around me does their hardest to make me stay positive. Jan has been saying yes to all of my requests so far. Going out with me, spending the time with me... I am very grateful to have such a wonderful and understanding friend. Yong lends her ears to me... well, she has been lending her ears to me since forever! I'm very glad that things have not changed between us after all these years.

In the office, everyone is very considerate. Suprisingly, my boss is the most considerate and understanding of them all! She gives me pep talk everyday so that I'll stay positive and helps me with my handover because I'll be away for maybe about two months for recovery after the operation. I feel kinda guilty because we are already short staffed and with I'm away... Well, at least we gotta know about this tumor thing when it is still stage 1 and I am not in pain or anything. Otherwise, the situation could be worst to everyone, not only me.

At home, I am still not talking to my sisters. Maybe I am being overly sensitive. Perhaps, I am being selfish and unfair... I don't know. All I know is that this time it is about me. If they cannot understand my feelings and maintain that I should understand them instead, then let them be. I already received my hugs and kisses from my mum and friends. That is enough for me.

About the operation, I am very very scared. What if I don't ever wake up after the operation? What if something goes wrong with the operation? What if the tumor is in fact cancerous? All these are playing in my mind. I know many women have gone through what I am going through and MOST of them turn out fine, but still... I can't help but worry if my other health conditions will effect the operation and my speedy recovery.

For the remaining days before the operation, I have to ensure that my blood pressure is under control. Tomorrow I have to go to Selayang Hospital to get my medicine since I cannot keep my appointment with the  nephrologist next month. I have to bring these medicine with me to Gleneagles. Then I have to prepare for the preadmission papers. I'm still waiting for the Guarantee Letters from the company. Oh, have I already mentioned that I have to do the hearing aid fitting for use at work? Yes, the CEO insists that I must use the hearing aid at work. Sigh....

I am bringing this laptop to Gleneagles... but I'm not sure if my condition after the operation will permit me using this laptop in the ward.

Til then....

Just Another Rambling... Perhaps?

I don't know how to begin this.

I haven't even updated this space for such a long time. Many things happened, is happening and will be happenning. My life is such a mess at the moment. If my life is a movie, there's so much dramas in it. But thank God I am still in one piece.

I have a tumour at my right ovary, just near the bladder and it might be cancerous. The doctor has confirmed that I need urgent surgery to remove it.

No, this is not a joke. It's not a movie either. This is my reality, dear reader.
I'm trying to stay positive and be brave.

Well, many women experienced this sort of thing and they all turn out fine. I'll be alright too right?

By the way, a few weeks before I found out about the tumour, I went to the ENT specialist and he confirmed my hearing loss. Luckily, I don't really need any hearing aid.

In the meantime, my Hepatitis B and nephrotic syndrome are not cured yet.

Really... I am trying very very hard to cope with all these...
I can't even explain to you what's going on in my head and in my mind.
I told my sisters about my condition tonight. Very calm reaction and one of them changed the subject after not even 5 minutes of discussion. How am I supposed to feel inside? And then she apologised... Via bbm... How cool is that? She said both of them are actually sad but they don't want to show it to me for fear that I'll be upset. She said she hopes I understand. She asked me to understand :( Why can't she try to understand me instead? Is it so hard to share my sadness and my tears? If we can laugh together, can't we cry together too!

I'm not sure if right now I'm being selfish, or if I'm just too sad about all this. Honestly speaking I'm just a total mess.
I can't sleep right now. I can't go out either. It's too late in the night. My head really hurts and my eyes keep leaking water. Am I crying? What for? This is just a trivial thing right? This is going to end up with joy and happiness right? I'll be okay in the end right?

I hope tomorrow will be better for me... Owh... It's already tomorrow...