Confused

It was my birthday on the 19th. There was no birthday wish from F. I booked a room at Capri for 2 nights and spent my birthday weekend alone there. Not a second went by without me thinking of F.

Two days later, he posted his birthday wish to me on my Facebook wall. Why on Facebook? I could still feel the painful stab in my heart.

And today is his birthday. Coincidently, his birthday present that I ordered from the US arrived today and I also got to leave office early due to my dental appointment. He did not reply to my birthday wish to him on Whatsapp, he also did not reply if we can celebrate his birthday together today. But he responded to all birthday messages he received on Facebook.

I guess I am truly stupid if I am still wondering if he has already dumped me. And how much dumber I can be for really thinking that I am still his girlfriend and that he still loves me.

You see, F has bipolar. He was diagnosed in October. He got into depression and has stopped responding to my texts and answering my calls since December. We did met once in December and that time he said he loved me. He hugged me and kissed me before he let me go home. Last week he replied once and said he's not ready to talk to me.

But his behaviour with other people got me so confused. Why is he not talking to me but he could talk to other people? Did I do anything wrong?

Q said I should stop doing what I'm doing and that I should block him already. But I don't want to. I still want to hold to this delusion. I truly love him. I do. I don't want to let go although I know he has already left my side.

It hurts so much.

Not a Happy New Year

Firstly, my boyfriend throw me away and shut me out completely.
Secondly, I couldn't take the toxics that comes along with my job anymore. So I tendered my resignation. I am currently serving my 3 months' notice.

The emotional impact of these 2 episodes is huge. I couldn't even describe what I feel right now. All I know is I want to be in the comfort and safety of my boyfriend's arms but he isn't here anymore. I don't know why he shuts me out. His bipolar? His unstable emotions? I already told him I am willing to go through hell with him and I accept him as he is, bipolar or not. But to treat me like I don't exist at all... that's very cruel of him.  All I do is loving him. Yes, I still love him with all my heart. And I miss him so terribly too. I know I'm being stupid... but who cares...

I resigned without securing any new job. It's scary... no, it's terrifying. So many what ifs... Especially when I am already over my 40s. I'm trying very hard to think positively. But after being demotivated and put down for quite some time, it's hard for me to find my grounds and lift myself up again.

Well... one step at a time...