What's Next?

I woke up this morning and the first thing that came on my mind was him. And he was the last thing i think of before i went to sleep. But i didn't dream of him.

I got ready for work as usual. And as i was waiting for the elevator, his messages came in. It was the usual good morning greetings he always gave me in the morning before i "confessed". I was so surprised. What was i supposed to do? Is this a test? He did it as if nothing ever happened. But he did say that he doesn't want to throw away our friendship just because of this. Should i also act like nothing ever happened?

In the end, i replied... as if nothing ever happened. I too don't want to throw the friendship away but at the same time, i don't want to start hoping and break my heart again later. But i figured, i already know how he feels about me. So, why don't i just go with the flow. If it's too much to bear i can just walk away.

So here i am now... Back into that so called friendship. I hope he could at least make some effort to get to know me better and opens up to me a little bit more so i could get to know him better. Then i would know for sure whether i like him because of him, or i just like the image of him. Right now, i am still confused. All i know is that i keep thinking about him all the time and hope i can spend more time with him instead of just texting.

I really want to take this current development positively. Be brave.

Aftermath...

I have trouble sleeping these days. I will wake up in the middle of the night and the first thing that will pop up on my mind is him. Same thing happens when i wake up in the morning.

You see, i haven't been heartbroken for such a long time. And i haven't harbour any feelings to any guy for such a long time too. It seems that my feelings for him are deeper than i thought. Otherwise, i will not be as miserable as this.

I miss him everyday. He hadn't replied my last message. I don't know. Maybe he hates me now. Although i already expected that he might not contact me anymore, it still hurts. Well at least i tried to tell him how i feel. It takes a lot of guts on my part. I've never confessed my feelings to any guy before. That was my first. And i have no regrets, although it didn't end well.

But who's to say what the future may hold? I might find someone new who will love me. With time, my heart will heal itself like it always does and this will become apart of my memory. I will never forget, of course. My feelings for him are sincere and honest. I may not call it love now, but i know given the chance it will become love. And since i am not given that chance, i will never know now.

There is no turning back for me. The only way for me now is forward. I let him go now, with very little hope that he will come back to me. And all the best to him, whereever he is and in whatever he does.

Goodbye, darling.

Hurt...

I did it.

I sent him a long message confessing my feelings. Well, it's more like confess and "break up". I told him that i know i'm not what he wants or needs and that i don't think he would even reply to me. I know i'm being a coward by telling him all that through a long message, instead of calling or telling it to him face to face. But, we never call each other anyway. And i don't want the embarassment of being rejected to my face.

I sent him that message at about 1.30 a.m. after thinking about it long and hard. I think he was already asleep when my message was sent. He is that kind of guy. Very disciplined about his time and what he wants to do, so his bed time is almost fixed.

I couldn't sleep after that. I tried. I drifted in and out of sleep. Trying not to think about it. Trying to brace myself for the heartbreak that i was about to suffer.

Later this morning when i woke up, i saw that he has read my message, but there was no reply. So, that was it. The cut is deeper than i thought. And i cried harder than i thought i would. The saddest part is that i also lose him as a friend.

I finally told my bestfriend about my situation, but not the whole thing. She offered to meet up later today but i declined. I just want to be alone. I am not ready to talk.

But i need to go out. If i stay in i might start crying again. I cannot wallow in self pity. Or wouldn't be able to get up.

I let him go. If he ever returns.... Oh how i wish.

Update: he replied later. He said he's not the guy i want to be with and he will break my heart someday. He also said he the kind of guy that no girl would understand. But he wants to stay friends with me.

Why does he has to say that? Can't he just say he doesn't want a relationship with me?

My heart is crushed.

Helpless...

I haven't updated this page for such a long time.

Is it because I have nothing to write about? Was I too busy with other things? I don't know. I guess, I just got lost and drifted away from this page.

For the past few weeks, I have this funny feeling in my chest. I didn't know if it's sadness or emptiness. But today I realised that what I actually feel is helplessness.

You see... This is about a guy.

I really like him. I hope I can be more than his friends. But the problem is, of course, my feelings for him is unrequited.

He has been in and out of my life for so many times. He had girlfriends and broken up. I was there... And still here... Just waiting and not doing anything. I am so afraid to face rejection. I know because he has friendzoned me a long time ago. I thought I have accepted it and I thought I have moved on. But now he is back and I realized that I still have feelings for him.

I have no confidence at all about confessing or even showing my feelings to him. He never showed that he cared, he always keeps a distance, I tried as much as I can to get to know him better but, yeah, he keeps his distance. I think after all these years, he may not even regard me as a good friend. God, I really want to cry right now.

And I never told anyone about this. I am just writing this because I really need to get this out of my chest. It hurts. You like someone but that someone doesn't have the same feeling as you.

I am already too old for this. Isn't this something that only high school girls feel? I'm 38 and struggling with emotions. What an embarassment...

Anyway, this part of my story has no ending. He is not meant for me and I just have to live with that. My reality is that I am 38, I have noone to love and noone who loves me back. 

Yes, I know at least I still have my friends and family. But theirs are not the kind of love that can fill that one empty space in my heart.

Really helpless.

And hopeless.